One of these became a movie..

As an aside, drafting is a crap shoot. Who can predict what an 18 year old will do a few years from now, other than your mom? When General Managers make a pick, and the pick selected 1 to 2 spots after becomes an all star? The GM wasn’t looking to fuck their teams, they just didn’t have a crystal ball. What IS interesting to me is, when a GM CONSISTENTLY picks a player just to have someone taken right after becomes a good player? That’s a flaw of the GM and his scouts. Of course that can happen once or twice. But once or twice annually? Well, that’s part of our theme here.

Just saying…

That Islanders 2009-2010 season was terrible, the much heralded Tavares did NOT win rookie of the year, the cast of characters around him were not exactly developing EXCEPT Josh Bailey, who had the best offensive year of his wasted career, and the Islanders found themselves with the 5th overall pick in the 2010 draft

None of this new blood made a difference enough with a roster sporting a last line anchored by Matt Martin, suffering a down year from waiver pickup Michael Grabner, the emerging but not yet good players Kyle Okposo and Frans Neilsen, soft players like Josh Bailey, and just fucking bad players in Jay Pandolfo, Marty Reasoner, and Mike Mottau.

Everything here is bad

His career highlight

The next season hits paydirt! The 2012- 2013 Islanders avoid a late season swoon due to a lockout, and end up making the playoffs. Their inexperience exposes them, and they fall to the Penguins in 7 games. The 2013 draft lands them the 15th overall pick, which lands large offensive defenseman Ryan Pulock. The big move would be in round three, where the Islanders originally took Tyler Cammarata over the guy that went one pick later, Jake Guentzel. In this case, those picks are reversed.

Also, isn’t it amazing how in the original Garth Snow drafting world, the player picked either right after or within 2-3 picks from where Snow picked ended up being awesome, and whoever Snow took ate rhino ballsacks? It’s almost like Snow was bad at his job, right? It’s almost like the real life Islanders got better when he wasn’t GM, right?

My favorite Garth Snow draft pick.

Longtime rebuild player Matt Moulson is up for a real contract to get paid. The Islanders open the season on a rough streak because their coach is absolute ass, so Moulson has to go to avoid that payday. The Islanders trade Matt Moulson to Buffalo for Thomas Vanek. The Islanders in reality saw Vanek click with the team and give Tavares an elite offensive player who actually spoke out about how ass the referees treated the Islanders. But in this case, the team isn’t coming together yet. Maybe overspeed would have helped? The Islanders immediately trade Vanek to Colorado for their 1st round pick in the 2015 draft.

As the 2014 season ends, the Islanders hold the 8th overall pick and select Nikolaj Ehlers, who originally was taken 9th overall. Who was taken 8th? William Nylander. Why not take that fantasy pick? You’ll see.

Also that real year, the Islanders took a goalie in the 3rd round named Ilya Sorokin. In our fantasy land, Vasilevsky isn’t anywhere near pro ready yet, so the Islander stills run NHL retreads in net like Evgeni Nabokov and Jaroslav Halak (both good goalies, by the way) and take another goalie prospect – Linus Soderstrom in the 4th round. In reality, when the Islanders picked Sorokin in the 3rd round? Tampa picked next and took Brayden Point. In this case, the Islanders pass on Sorokin and take Point. We’re also drafting the Islanders’ other 4th round pick that year – Defenseman Devon Toews.

A really, really bad trade.

In the offseason in 2015, they have no Griffin Reinhart to trade because we never drafted that shitbag bust. So in our story, they do not get “The Kid that won the Calder” Mathew Barzal. They do however have that Colorado pick from the Vanek trade. Who did Colorado get that year? Mikko Rantanen. So do we. And the Islanders pick? They had made some moves to gain other picks, but ended up with a late first round pick of Anthony Beauvillier. The Islanders also draft Ryan Pilon in the 5th round of the draft that year. Unlike him quitting hockey shortly thereafter because the Snow Islanders sucked? This time he stays in the game to head to the AHL.

The 2015-2016 Islanders also post 100 points. They finally break a playoff series win drought led by who else, John Tavares. They end up with a draft pick that sits at 19. The team has a lot of young prospects, so they trade out of 19. They send that pick to recent trade partner Chicago for 2nd round picks in 2016 and 2017. WIth the Chicago pick in 2016 they chose Alex DeBrincat – just like Chicago did! And the other pick? The Islanders take defenseman Samuel Gerard.

The 2016 – 2017 Islanders missed the playoffs. But that’s the real Islanders. Our story has the Islanders at 100 points, making the playoffs as a 7 seed. They lose again in round one because they still have a predictable coach. Due to making the playoffs, their draft pick was mid to late round one. However, to complicate things, the Las Vegas Golden Show…Knights enter the league. In real life, the Islanders had future Golden Knights GM George McPhee in the organization, but Charles Wang refused to fire Garth Snow, so McPhee went on to win a Stanley Cup in Vegas, and Snow got relegated to the guy that gives you a towel and smells Lou Lamiriello’s shit in the men’s room all day.

Boy, did Wang, Ledecky and Malkin fuck this up

McPhee also lets Matt Martin leave via free agency, because it’s fucking stupid to pay a 4th liner $2.5 million dollars, and even fucking stupider to pay a 4th liner over $3 million. Just saying.

We now enter what is season zero – the year Tavares played for the Islanders, saw a rookie score more than he did, saw Doug Weight as a coach, lied to not hurt feelings, hurt feelings, saw Josh Bailey get a cap hurting overpaid long term extension, saw Andrew Ladd up close as the outside support, and was like “fuck everyting I see here. I’m gone.”

Friends, that is reality. But let’s see what drafting and allegedly proper development plus good cap positioning from young players looks like as a team:

That offseason, Snow made a move to trade top 5 pick Ryan Strome to Edmonton for Jordan Eberle. Eberle never really clicked with Tavares, and ended up working on a different line putting up numbers. It was an attempt by Snow to address concerns about the team, but as per most things Garth Snow, it was an ass move.

Luckily, the GM is not Garth Snow, but George McPhee. McPhee recognizes that there is a need for veteran leadership and talent, so he makes a bold trade:

More importantly, the contract to a failure of an goal scoring forward in Josh Bailey was the FINAL STRAW that pushed John Tavares out the door. The $5m X 6 year contract that was gifted to Josh Bailey showed Tavares that this team was not serious about improving itself, so the writing was on the wall. And Bailey, who ended his career lacking a 20 goal season despite playing 20 minutes a game? When his contractual time with the Islanders was running out, NO OTHER TEAM IN THE NHL WANTED HIM. Sorry for your feelings, but facts are facts.

Cut by a last place team.

McPhee makes a second bold trade:

Also the 2017-2018 season became special for John Tavares, in ways he did not expect. He lives on Long Island, he practices on Long Island, and he plays hockey in Brooklyn. Tavares is meeting all sorts of people that he never came into contact with in Toronto. Toronto is a great city, but honestly? Its name sounds like the Lone Ranger’s sidekick. Yes, that is an old person joke. Fuck you. And fuck you, Toronto isn’t New York City.

And women in New York are more assertive than even an overbearing nurse assistant from Hamilton. Tavares likes being told what to do by women, and starts to assimilate to his area for the first time. I almost feel that Tavares has hockey autism. He never went to college. All he’s ever done is play hockey. It’s a fixation that RFK Jr can’t cure. Mostly because RFK Jr is a fucking moron that eats decaying whale head. Like every smart guy.

This happens in Brooklyn.

Shanahan announces that he loves the cock. No one is surprised.

You replaced me with WHO? How did that go?

There are lots of good young forwards, sure, but not a lot of defense and not a lot of goaltending. The Islanders even passed on drafting that Nylander kid. The new GM is new to the game. The head coach isn’t a cup winner. That Mitch Marner kid looks up to the player that defended him from an asshole coach – lets see how that turns out in 2025. And superstar Austn Matthews, who does what Tavares does – score goals – but at a better pace. I think it’s fair to call Matthews the better Tavares. Tavares will be outshined by the younger, faster version of himself. So what does John Tavares do?

Tavares goes to Toronto, because in every universe, John Tavares is a fucking loser.

Fucking embarrassing.

It’s still the same story – Tavares has a LOT of supporting cast to help relieve his burden, finally. Ehlers is traded to Minnesota to acquire Cal Clutterbuck, and a 1st and 2nd round pick. The second round pick is traded along with Eamon McAdam to Toronto for Matt Martin and $1m of salary retention. Shayne Gostisbehere is sent off to Philadelphia for a 1st round pick, where the Islanders draft Cole Caufield. The Islanders replace Ghost with free agent Ian Cole at a lower contract hit, and have Samuel Gerard as their 6th/7th defenseman. DeBrincat replaces Ehlers. Brock Nelson and Vincent Trochek swap lines. Trotz doesn’t like Tarasenko, so he has him traded for 2 1st round picks. To where? St Louis, of course. Thomas Greiss is traded for draft picks so the Islanders can take a flyer on the best goalie in Sweden not named Lundqvist that is recovering from substance abuse. Anthony Beauvilier is your 13th forward, which is fine for a player that started his career streaky and only got worse. So what does the team look like?

The lesson that Islanders ownership never understood? Hire good coaches.