Photo Credit: NFL
Our hands tell a story if you wholeheartedly assume truth in the work of palm readers and clairvoyants. The callouses, lines, and type of daily moisturizer can indicate someone’s work ethic, age, and marital status, so who is to say that something as rudimentary as thumb-to-pinky length cannot absolutely determine someone’s potential success on a synthetic field wearing spandex? I submit that an arbitrary threshold of half-centimeters should function as no less than a tiebreaker to determine someone’s professional worth.
A male gladiator with grandiose aspirations in the National Football League as a quarterback or wide receiver shall be vaulted to prominence and high regard if his hands, measured from distal phalanges one to five, tip to tip, are greater than or equal to 23.5 centimeters and, if not, ostracized and ridiculed as inferior. Of course, there are bound to be a few outliers and exceptions, but the gray area has no place in this mathematical world. It would take otherworldly ability in all other areas of concern to overcome such a pivotal deficiency as hand size. Large hands aid in performance in inclement conditions, by offering the athlete more surface area tension to maintain possession of the precious Faberge Egg that is the football. Turnover of possession is the leading cause of turnover in the workplace, which can be costly to the health of the tribe.
Photo Credit: Steve Helber | AP
Photo Credit: NFL
Hand Size Matters
But Not Really
By: Scott “Stacks” Simpson
Here’s what I think. Hand size, shmand shize. Who actually thinks that “hand size matters” in professional football? Hahahaha! Let me just catch my breath real quick. Hahahaha! No, I’m fine. Really. They obviously don’t matter in the least. If you don’t believe me just ask Diontae Johnson. Pretty sure he has “Keebler Elf” hands and he still caught 88 passes and only dropped 16. Not sure how many other math majors are out here, but even using that new convoluted math, 88 > 16.
Mark Sanchez perfectly executes a textbook “ Butt Fumble” that was subsequently returned for a touchdown by the Patriots.
Photo Credit: ESPN via YouTube
And who can forget the quarterback with the largest hands of all time, 28.58 centimeters to be exact, the perennial all-pro…I mean… one-time pro-bowler…hmm…starting quarterback…scratch that…back-up…well, barely a backup…only played in four career NFL games…Jim Druckenmiller…who completed 21 of 52 (40%) career passes with one touchdown and four interceptions. Should I keep going? I think I will.
I know you all wasted a late-round flyer on the 49er’s 4th round pick in the 2015 NFL Draft, WR DeAndre Smelter, and his mammoth 27.94-centimeter mitts? That’s DeAndre Smelter. I’m sure you’ve heard of him. DeAndre Smelter. He has one career catch for 23 yards. DeAndre…with a ‘De’…and then an ‘Andre’…just like D’Andre Swift but with an ‘e’ after the… never mind, you get the gist.