The species homo sapiens translates to “wise humans.” We are descendants of homo erectus, homo ergaster, and finally homo heisenburgensis. As the greatest, most intelligent of the Great Apes, we have developed utilitarian expertise with our frontal appendages. Anything to do with basic survival, such as blunt fists to dominate rivals, tactile dexterity to sign lucrative contracts, and on to clasping objects like food, tools, and leather spheroids with our opposable thumbs. We, as existential beings, have a keen perception of disparities in size and quantity, as it applies to mating behavior, assigning roles within a tribe, and especially in selecting leadership for the survival of the tribe.

Our hands tell a story if you wholeheartedly assume truth in the work of palm readers and clairvoyants. The callouses, lines, and type of daily moisturizer can indicate someone’s work ethic, age, and marital status, so who is to say that something as rudimentary as thumb-to-pinky length cannot absolutely determine someone’s potential success on a synthetic field wearing spandex? I submit that an arbitrary threshold of half-centimeters should function as no less than a tiebreaker to determine someone’s professional worth.

A male gladiator with grandiose aspirations in the National Football League as a quarterback or wide receiver shall be vaulted to prominence and high regard if his hands, measured from distal phalanges one to five, tip to tip, are greater than or equal to 23.5 centimeters and, if not, ostracized and ridiculed as inferior. Of course, there are bound to be a few outliers and exceptions, but the gray area has no place in this mathematical world. It would take otherworldly ability in all other areas of concern to overcome such a pivotal deficiency as hand size. Large hands aid in performance in inclement conditions, by offering the athlete more surface area tension to maintain possession of the precious Faberge Egg that is the football. Turnover of possession is the leading cause of turnover in the workplace, which can be costly to the health of the tribe.

In summation, my hypothesis is that hand size is even more vital and value-bearing than current evaluators are willing to admit publicly. As a fantasy football analyst, I have not yet been led into peril by adding appropriate weight to this metric. NFL franchises should heed my advice and prosper or ignore elite talents like Joe Flacco and Hakeem Nicks at their own demise. If you need me, I’ll be in the bathroom with a pencil and tape measure (installing a medicine cabinet).

Each year the brain trust that is the fantasy football analytics community randomly narrows its evaluation lense to obsess over some trivial aspect of the NFL Draft evaluation process, I don’t know, like “hand size” for instance. They spend hours in their mom’s basement pouring over their Google Sheets looking for that one piece of fantasy football data that will suddenly unlock the keys to fantasy success. 69,000 hours later they emerge victoriously, theory in hand! Now all their new theory needs is a name, a few slick “Thread Tweets” and bam, “The Fantasy Football Hand Size Metrics Data Matters Because I Created This Colorful Speardsheet Theory” is ready to get Tweeted out. Just a second. I’m having a little trouble fitting this all into one Tweet. Might have to, yeah, I’m gonna need more characters. Dammit!!

Here’s what I think. Hand size, shmand shize. Who actually thinks that “hand size matters” in professional football? Hahahaha! Let me just catch my breath real quick. Hahahaha! No, I’m fine. Really. They obviously don’t matter in the least. If you don’t believe me just ask Diontae Johnson. Pretty sure he has “Keebler Elf” hands and he still caught 88 passes and only dropped 16. Not sure how many other math majors are out here, but even using that new convoluted math, 88 > 16.

Not fully convinced yet? OKAY. Whatever. Did you know that Mark “Butt Fumble” Sanchez has monster 26.67-centimeter hands?! We are talking 10.5 inches of pressure-pointing football gripping hand power. Some good those horse hooves did him though when it came to, you know, holding onto the football. You might say, “Scott. You are overreacting. It’s not like he was second in the WHOLE NFL in 2012 with 14 fumbles…Oh wait he was. Interesting.”

And who can forget the quarterback with the largest hands of all time, 28.58 centimeters to be exact, the perennial all-pro…I mean… one-time pro-bowler…hmm…starting quarterback…scratch that…back-up…well, barely a backup…only played in four career NFL games…Jim Druckenmiller…who completed 21 of 52 (40%) career passes with one touchdown and four interceptions. Should I keep going? I think I will.

I know you all wasted a late-round flyer on the 49er’s 4th round pick in the 2015 NFL Draft, WR DeAndre Smelter, and his mammoth 27.94-centimeter mitts? That’s DeAndre Smelter. I’m sure you’ve heard of him. DeAndre Smelter. He has one career catch for 23 yards. DeAndre…with a ‘De’…and then an ‘Andre’…just like D’Andre Swift but with an ‘e’ after the… never mind, you get the gist.

Time to end this silly little debate once and for all. The greatest wide receiver of all time, no questions asked, Jerry “Tiny Hands” Rice’s hands measured in at a mere 24 centimeters. Those are practically children’s hands compared to the other freaks on this list. I’m surprised he even made an NFL roster, let alone set the all-time NFL record for receptions and receiving yards given how important hand size is in determining an NFL player’s future success. Welp looks like it’s back to the mom’s basement to give that ole hand size theory a rewrite.