Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages — welcome to another episode of “Let Me Tell You Why New York Sports Owners Make Me Lose Hair I Don’t Even Have.”
We’re here to crown the best sports owner in New York.
Yes, I said BEST.
I know— it’s like being asked to pick the tallest oompa-loompa. But somebody’s gotta win.
So let’s take a tour through New York’s billionaire hall of fame, the only place on earth where grown adults light money on fire and somehow get more money back.
Photo Credit: Wendell Cruz, USA Today
Candidate #1: James Dolan — The Picasso of Chaos
This man owns the Knicks and the Rangers.
He also owns a band.
A BAND.
New York is the only city where the guy who signs your playoff checks is also trying to sell you a blues album nobody asked for.
The Knicks have had more “rebuilding years” than I’ve had hot meals. The Rangers? Always close, never there — like that one uncle who shows up to every holiday with a story about “almost” making the NFL in ’87.
Dolan’s superpower?
Removing fans from the building using facial recognition because they looked at him funny.
You know how powerful you have to be to ban a man from a game because his eyebrows were disrespectful?
Photo Credit: Associated Press
Candidate #2: Hal Steinbrenner — Mr. Luxury Coupon Clipper
Hal is like if your dad won the lottery but still made you share the Netflix password.
The Yankees print money like the U.S. Treasury, and Hal still looks at the payroll like he’s deciding whether or not to buy name-brand cereal.
The man’s last big decision was:
“Should we sign a superstar or buy another office plant?”
Spoiler: the ficus won.
But he gets points for one thing:
He hasn’t banned anyone with eyebrows… yet.
Candidate #3: Steve Cohen — The Billionaire Who Actually Cares
Say what you want — Stevie Baby is the first owner who treats free agency like it’s Black Friday at Target.
Cohen wakes up in the morning, looks at the Mets roster, sips his coffee, and says, “Hmm. Let’s add another $30 million pitcher. Why? Because I CAN.”
Does it always work?
Absolutely not.
Do the Mets lose games they shouldn’t?
Every.
Single.
Season.
But Cohen has passion.
He has fire.
He has… a hedge fund.
And if things get too bad, he might short his own team for profit.
That’s commitment.
Photo Credit: Brad Penner, Imagn Images
Candidate #4: Woody Johnson — The Human Optimism Machine
Oh, Woody.
Woody is that guy who keeps buying scratch-offs even though he’s never gotten more than $2 back.
Every offseason, he strolls into the camera lights like he’s Moses leading the Jets to the Promised Land.
And every season he leaves like a man who accidentally microwaved aluminum foil.
But give him credit —
No owner in New York provides unintentional comedy like Woody Johnson. None.
He’s the king of “this is our year,” even when the quarterback depth chart looks like the cast of a Home Depot commercial.
And the Winner Is…
I know you’re waiting for it…
I know you want the verdict…
So here it comes…
Best Sports Owner in New York: STEVE COHEN
Because he’s the only one treating sports like the rest of New York treats Uber Eats:
Expensive, irrational, and always delivered late — but you appreciate the effort.
Cohen wants to win.
He spends like a man with six credit cards and no fear of consequences. And he actually talks to fans without banning them from the building for having a face.
Dolan might sing, Hal might penny-pinch, Woody might hallucinate success… But Steve Cohen?
He’s the only one who looks at his team and says,
“Let’s go fail in STYLE.”
And that’s the New York way.
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My name is Errol Marks and I’d like to tell you why I believe I can be a major asset to your station. I’m from a small town in Long Island, NY and from a very young age I’ve always had a love for sports talk radio. Growing up, I would listen religiously to shows like Mike and the Mad Dog, Mike and Mike, and Imus in the Morning and studied what made those shows so great. I’ve made it my goal to be as influential as the hosts I grew up listening to, and with my knowledge of all major sports, enthusiastic and fearless personality, and my preparation skills, I know I can get to that level. This is an art and a medium that I’m passionate about and one that I feel can never be replaced.
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