The Boston Celtics are apparently spending their offseason playing NBA fantasy basketball with the trade machine set to “absolute chaos.”

For months we’ve heard the same thing: What if Boston trades Jaylen Brown for Giannis Antetokounmpo? Because apparently every NBA rumor starts with, “What if we just trade for one of the five best players on the planet and figure out the details later?”

But wait. There’s a new contestant entering Boston’s offseason dating show.

Domantas Sabonis.

That’s right. While everyone has been obsessing over Giannis, the Sacramento Kings have reportedly put Sabonis on the trade market, and now Celtics fans are acting like someone who walked into a dealership hoping for a Ferrari and suddenly found a Lamborghini sitting next to it.

Now before anyone starts screaming into their Dunkin’ coffee, let’s be clear.

Sabonis isn’t Giannis.

But the guy is an absolute basketball machine.

Sabonis racks up double-doubles the way New Yorkers collect parking tickets. Rebounds? He grabs everything in sight. Assists? He throws them around like Oprah handing out gifts. Toughness? The guy shows up every night ready to work.

The multi-time All-Star and All-NBA big man has quietly become one of the league’s most underrated stars. Unfortunately, he plays in Sacramento, where nationally televised games are apparently treated like rare solar eclipses.

Of course, if Boston wants Sabonis, somebody has to go.

And that’s where things get hilarious.

Jaylen Brown’s name has appeared in so many trade rumors that at this point he probably wakes up every morning, checks his phone, and discovers he’s been traded to three different teams before brushing his teeth.

One day it’s Giannis.

The next day it’s New Orleans.

Now it’s Sabonis.

Poor guy can’t even order breakfast without hearing he’s been shipped somewhere else.

Boston could move Brown, create some financial flexibility, and bring in one of the NBA’s most productive big men. But trading a Finals MVP-caliber wing isn’t exactly a casual decision. That’s like trading your sports car for a monster truck. They’re both incredible, but you’re definitely changing the entire ride.

Then there’s Derrick White.

Every offseason, Derrick White becomes the NBA’s version of that friend who somehow gets volunteered for every job.

Need salary matching? Derrick White.

Need trade assets? Derrick White.

Need help moving a couch up three flights of stairs? Somehow Derrick White.

The Celtics could package White with other pieces and make the numbers work. They could even pull off a three-team trade because no NBA blockbuster is official unless it requires a flow chart, four spreadsheets, and a salary-cap expert explaining it on television for 45 minutes.

The reality is pretty simple.

Giannis remains the dream scenario. That’s the beachfront mansion with the private yacht and the infinity pool.

Sabonis might be the luxury backup plan sitting right in front of them if the Giannis fantasy doesn’t become reality.

Either way, Brad Stevens isn’t spending this offseason relaxing.

He’s sitting by the phone like a teenager waiting for a text back, except instead of romance, he’s trying to build another championship contender.

One thing is certain.

The Celtics aren’t planning a quiet summer.

And for the rest of us?

Grab the popcorn, mute the Celtics fans for a few minutes, and enjoy the chaos.

Because when it comes to NBA offseason rumors, common sense is usually the first thing traded.