The Free Agency Inner Monologues

The Free Agency Inner Monologues

Photo Credit: Winslow Townson | USA TODAY Sports

Bill Bellichick (Probably): I’m the smartest man alive. Tom still needs to get one more ring to catch me in the jewelry contest. Is Jarrett Stidham still looking at me? Ugh, he is just so terrible. Maybe if I don’t look over there, he will go away. Cam is just as handsome as Tom and Jimmy, AND more fashionable. Siri, remind me to get more baby oil for Jonnu’s abs. I bet Hunter Henry is self-conscious about his breath when meeting new people. I don’t know how to tell Bob that I need to stay wound tight and I don’t want massage coupons for Christmas. I’m sorry I got the wrong dog food, Nike, but did you have to bring Van Noy back? Are we on to Cincinnati, or onto Cincinnati? That kid with acne pushing carts at Costco has such a great attitude…I wonder if he can catch a slightly deflated football? Agholor can catch these millions falling from our burning building. We would have pursued Fuller if he didn’t get caught. Alexa, how much do ventriloquists make? Googling Tom Brady’s son’s age…

Photo Credit: Trevor Ruszkowski | USA TODAY Sports
Mike Mayock: (Definitely): This shirt looks great on me. I did run 17 miles before 6 AM, so there’s that. I’m gonna text a picture of it to Jon. Knock on wood if you think Jon will like it. He did. Rube. Maybe I’ll show it to my Soul Cycle group on Facebook. Posted. Can’t believe all the (expletive) moaning the media made over me signing Kenyan Drake. Don’t they know dual backs are gonna be the future of the NFL? Guess they failed to notice what Nick Chubb and Kareem Hunt did last year when they dominated the league? And we beat them 16 to 6! They couldn’t do anything on the ground. Suckers became one-dimensional and we shut them down. Rubes. Now Jon’s texting me a picture of his shirt. He’s wearing the same shirt. Dammit! “Mandy! Bring me a new shirt!!” Just saw that Chet Gresham gave us a (expletive) terrible free agency grade. What kind of name is “Chet” anyway? What does he think he’s friends with the Hardy’s Boys or something. Now those were good clean wholesome books. Books a man could enjoy after a morning of church with the family and then refresh his thirst with sparkling pink lemonade. But not with too much sugar. And how dare he say that “The Raiders have done a number on their offensive line this offseason.” People act like Rodney Hudson, Richie Incognito, Gabe Jackson and Trent Brown are the WHOLE LINE. So annoying that no one but Jon fully understands my vision for this team. Rubes. The whole lot of them.
Photo Credit: Charles Rex Arbogast | St. Louis Post-Disptach
Ryan Pace: (Most Definitely): I was so close to ‘Cooking with Russ’ and now I’m ‘Down to Dalton.’ This isn’t good. (Throws bronze Bear paperweight across his office). Do you think people noticed? I already (expletive) traded up for Mitch instead of drafting Mahomes and now the Russell Wilson deal gets woodchippered. And now Kyle Fuller bolts to the Broncos. Unbelievable. (Peeks through office shades.) Do they know I’m only 42-54 over the last 6 seasons? (Catches a glimpse of himself in the full-length double-paned mirror, he smiles and runs his fingers through his hair.) Does it make me look smarter or dumber when I squint? I think smarter. But, I just can’t tell. Squint. No squint. Squint. Maybe if I just purse my lips together and furrow my brow at the same time. Yeah, that’s the Blue Steel look daddy needs. You are Ryan (expletive) Pace, the General Manager for the Historic Chicago Bear franchise and never EVER let anyone forget it. (Closing the shades he turns and walks to his desk, accidentally stubbing his shoe on the Bears paperweight on the floor). (Multiple expletives)!! Now how am I going to successfully sell Andy Dalton to the fan base? ‘Andy Dalton is the future of the franchise.’ That didn’t sound right. ‘Andy Dalton has a future with this franchise.’ Hmmm. ‘Andy Dalton is a member of our franchise.’ Nailed it…
Photo Credit: Andrew Mills | NJ Advance Media
David Gettleman (Probably): Can you believe these people? First, they’re screaming at me with torches and pitchforks and now they’re calling me GettleGod because I gave a bunch of money to guys who barely play half of their team’s games. I liked it better in Carolina because they really didn’t pay attention when I cut the whole team after blowing all the cap space on brittle players the year before. Here’s hoping the NY media will be their usual understanding self when I do the same thing. I have no idea how we are going to keep Saquon here, so I hope they don’t ask. I hope the fans don’t mind that our only good player we can keep next year is Leonard Williams. Kenny Golladay’s hip can predict rain in the forecast, John Ross was hoping that the NFL was just running straight for 40 yards in Spanx, and Adoree Jackson is Ross on defense. I only signed Rudolph so the Eagles wouldn’t offer Golladay as much because they didn’t think we could afford him. Jokes on them, I never learned how to do math. Don’t get me started on my main guy, Dimes. His mom must not have warned him about running with his shoes untied. His dad must have skipped the poker lesson about not looking completely bewildered at all times. He also didn’t play pickup football because he holds the ball like a Fabergé egg. The media is honing in on the Yankees and Knicks while I piss away the 2022 cap, and the fans just like to see big names and dollar signs. I’ll do it my way no matter what anyone is reporting. Anyway, we might just still be alright in our trash division and I can get another extension out of the Mara family if we can win more than four games this year. God, I love this country!
“Ball It, Till You Haul It”

“Ball It, Till You Haul It”

Photo Credit: Tomas
Welcome back! Great to see you again. Another day. Another dollar spent. Am I right? So glad you are back with us again. Where did we leave off last week…? Oh, yes! I remember now. You want to become a Fantasy Millionaire. Well. Well. You’ve come to the right place, my friend. There’s a perfect bottle of Krug 1979 Champagne on ice in the grotto and someone special waiting for us. Shall we? You shared with me you wanted to know more about how to “Ball it, till you haul it.” I knew it. You were actually listening last time. Well played. I’m sure you look at me and see the house and the cars and the yachts and think, this guy is ‘Ballin it and hauling it all.’ Am I right? Hahahaha. But, I’m not “the” expert on this subject honestly. My partner Mike “Cash” Collins is the man behind the magic. He’s the shaman we seek, the guru we’ll meet to guide us on our Millionaire way. Are you Okay? I noticed you staring back over my shoulder while we were cutting through the rose garden. Oh, the helicopters. Just the newest Hx50 models from Hill over in the UK. ‘They make absolute bang on choppers mate. Or do they call them whirlybirds’ You didn’t know I did a spot-on British accent? I am a man of many mysteries. Looks like Mike is just pouring the Champagne now. Did you see our new helicopters?! The Catalina Wine Mixer never disappoints. I’ll take you up whenever you want. Just say the word. Champagne!! I always fill mine to the tippy-top. Especially when indulging Krug 1979. Taste the energy and the tension. Such a powerful year. It’s the year Scott and I were both born. Can you taste the power? I can’t do anything but. It wasn’t always this way though. What you are seeing now is the “haul after the ball” to be honest. But there is no haul, without the ball. And before you can ball, you have to learn how to crawl. Most miss this detail because it’s small, which ultimately leads to their downfall. Truly, in the end though, it’s the key to it all.
Photo Credit: Hill Helicopters

You don’t become a Fantasy Millionaire overnight. You are gonna have to grind. This isn’t some get-rich-quick scheme that’s going to promise you millions from selling tiny newsprint ads, stuffing envelopes or hosting “Conspiracy Theory” seminars out of the Candlewood Suites ballroom. 

Last time I shared with you the importance of being yourself. The next step is to identify the skills that you have to pay the bills and then start investing in the consistent betterment of those skills. There is only one you. No one else is going to make you a better person, but yourself. It’s simple. Invest in you. Living every day in light of this calling has lifted us up from “crawl” to “ball” and finally now to “haul.” Cash rules the world! And we want all the dollar, dollar, dollar bills y’all! 

Cash never lies. The Fantasy Millionaires are who we are because we are dedicated to ourselves. We love us some us. And you will too after you dive into our weekly content on the World Wide Sports Radio Network. Make sure to follow me, Scott “Stacks” Simpson (@NimblewNumbers) and Mike “Cash” Collins (@theralphmacho) on Twitter and subscribe to our YouTube Channel “The Fantasy Millionaires” and check out our content on The Fantasy Millionaires website

You know what they always say, time flies when you are drinking $1,500 bottles of Champagne. Unfortunately, we are running late for our Space X Dragon spacesuit fittings. We’ve rescheduled a few times and now they are threatening to move our seats back to “The Jerry Jones” section of the spacecraft. Like we’d let that happen. Hahaha. Look forward to seeing you again real soon and hearing all about how you are becoming a Fantasy Millionaire. 

How to Become a “Fantasy Millionaire”

How to Become a “Fantasy Millionaire”

Photo Credit: Jeff Brown
Every day people stop me on the Twitter streets and say, “Scott! What does it take to become a Fantasy Millionaire?” And I’ll tell you the same thing I told them, there’s a little “Fantasy Millionaire” that lives inside of us all. Let me show you. Walk with me. I like to think that this is the enteral question we were all put on earth to wrestle with as humans. The essence of being a Fantasy Millionaire lies in finding the mercurial balance of unbridled and unabashed indulgence in the fantasy millionaire lifestyle. One does not simply become a “Fantasy Millionaire.” It is much more complicated than that. It’s more like a “Fantasy Millionaire” becomes you. Ever been on a boat? You’ll love it! Which one comes first you ask, the “Fantasy” or the “Millionaire?” Another great question. Sip on this Champagne. It’s good, right! OK, so it’s not really “Champagne” but you can’t tell the difference. You wouldn’t have known if I hadn’t told you. And that’s really the whole point of it all. If you can’t tell the difference, then I’m not gonna tell you. That’s really at the heart of the “Fantasy Millionaires.”
Photo Credit:

I’ve got someone special I’d like you to meet. Let me introduce you to my fellow “Fantasy Millionaire” and partner, Mike “Cash” Collins.

Nice to meet you. Welcome to the world of “The Fantasy Millionaires.” Champagne. Scott’s treating you well I see. My boat is your boat. Anything you want, don’t be afraid to ask. We have just one rule on the boat. No Minnesota Vikings allowed. It’s an insurance thing.

Scott tells me you are here for our secret to success. Indulge me in a quick juxtaposition of mindsets. We’ve all stumbled over the phrase “fake it, till you make it” at some point in our lives. The idea is to pretend to be someone you are not until you establish yourself as someone who is. Get a little experience before you can be successful. Do what they say. Follow the rules and pretend to know what you are doing before you really have a clue. Sure, on the surface the thinking makes sense. But not to a Fantasy Millionaire. Why fake anything? The essence of living out a fantasy is to be 100% all-in. That’s the whole point of living out a fantasy. You can’t fake something that you are fantasizing about. Instead, I live by the motto, “Ball it, till you haul it.” A totally different perspective on life that directs your effort towards accomplishing goals through being true to yourself instead of “faking it” until you’ve made something….well fake.

I love what I am hearing Cash. You know your boy Stacks is a fan of “Balling it.” How does one “Ball it” off the break though? What about our smaller ballers who are just starting to ball out?

Simple. Be true to yourself and magnify what matters most to you in your content. Be honest about who you are and the gifts that you possess. There is only one you in this world. Believe in yourself in order to maximize yourself. And absolutely don’t “fake it, till you make it.” We all see that you are fake and don’t want you to make it. Can I offer you any lobster? Fresh caught this morning.

Cash is King! Well said, brother! That reminds me of another secret to our success. The Fantasy Millionaires always, always, always, “Go heavy bone with it.” We don’t do anything less than 100%. You can’t become successful in the Fantasy Millionaire game by slacking, whacking, or jaw-jacking, your ass has got to produce. Content’s the name of the game and The Fantasy Millionaires are always playing. From weekly podcasts to articles to our website, The World Wide Sports Radio App, and Twitter, the Fantasy Millionaires are always live. Make sure to follow me, Scott “Stacks” Simpson (@NimblewNumbers) and Mike “Cash” Collins (@theralphmacho) on Twitter and subscribe to our YouTube Channel “The Fantasy Millionaires” and check out our content on The Fantasy Millionaires website

This has been an absolute pleasure, but unfortunately, we’re late for our weekly trip to Ibiza and have to scoot. We look forward to doing it again. As a matter of fact, how about we have you back on the boat again next week. Real Champagne this time you know do it up real classy. We can answer any more questions that you have about how to successfully navigate the waters of becoming a Fantasy Millionaire.