Cheerleaders are Fu**ing Useless

Cheerleaders are Fu**ing Useless

Imagine if you will, a past time, a yesteryear. A time before cell phones, before jumbotrons, before live broadcasts of sports. Or ask your parents to tell you about what was normal.

Sports were still fundamentally the same. Except there weren’t booming sound systems. Or scoreboards with visuals for replay. Or people shooting clothing at you from a hand cannon.

What DID sports have? Mascots. And cheerleaders.

One of these has stood the test of time. A good mascot is a fun addition to an environment. You’ be hard pressed to find a sports fan who doesn’t know the Chicken formerly known as San Diego, or the Philly Phanatic or Mr Met or the newest all star sports mascot, Gritty of the Filthadelphia Flyers. However, most mascots are not good at what they do. For instance, when the NHL has mascot day, you learn that most hockey mascots are milquetoast facsimiles of the team logo.  They are generally harmless, so no one cares. Except that Hot Dog Race in Milwaukee. That shit is dope.

Why mention the NHL? Because the NHL created something unusual to sports. And when I say the NHL created something, it was clearly an accident, and done by the least likely of franchises- the lowly New York Islanders.

The Islanders created a hybrid of mascot, cheerleader, and unionized employee with the introduction of the Ice Girls. These were attractive young women who could skate well enough to shovel ice shavings and dump them into a garbage can- NO, not MSG- while wearing flashy outfits to amp up the crowd. And the mascot angle? The Islanders gave the Ice Girls time to do ice dancing routines, which were actually impressive.

So what did the team do with these pioneers? Fired all of them. Cool.

What the Ice Girls did was unique. Entertainers and safety workers. But what if they were only entertainers? Then they’d just be cheerleaders. And in the year 2020? Cheerleaders are fucking useless.  

Why are cheerleaders still a thing anymore? This is a question that needs to be put on the table, because the concept of cheerleaders is horribly out of date, and on a professional level is both redundant and stupid.

Cheerleaders are from a time gone by when there were no arena TV’s, no sound systems for individual walk up songs, no replays of every play no matter how mundane, and no in game trivia contest where all you need to win is know who the fuck the home team is playing.

Cheerleaders purpose is to rev up a crowd to cheer. And thanks to modern technology, you know, like a camera? Cheerleaders are as obsolete as the era that they came from.

So lets discuss that era of cheerleading. Think back to an era…say 1950’s. There were plenty of male sports in schools. Baseball, basketball, football, shoot the minority…. good old fashioned fun from when America was great.

Alabama state champs 1963. So homogeneous.

But what did girls do? They waited for a guy to get a car so they could ride in an Edsel and keep their morality by giving a hand job after a 25 cent movie and a milk shake that for some reason was made in a pharmacy. But sports?

Girls generally didn’t have sports programs. And schools? They didn’t have to provide girls sports. Title IX (9 for idiots) was the law that forced schools to give girls equal opportunities to men in academic and athletic programs. 1972 wasn’t even 50 years ago. Your grandma probably could fuck someone up but wasn’t allowed to shoot the hoop. Or take an AP class. Way to wind a pendulum to one end, assholes.

So what did girls do before Title IX? They put on short skirts, cheered for the alpha males, and bred with them after the game. Because what were athletic women to do to meet guys with similar interests?

Yes, I did see “A League of Their Own.” Love the movie. But the women’s pro baseball league needed a fucking world war to make it reality, went from 10 teams to six in a 4 year span, and died as a five team league without a central organization in 1954. Also, the players made about $1200 a week in todays money. Imagine a male pro playing for $1200 a week today?

So, these cheerleaders today? You gotta go. Why?

First off, those in house cameras and giant displays plus sound systems replaced you. Fans prefer to see their own faces while dancing like idiots on a massive screen instead of seeing a cheerleader with stupid pom poms shaking her bony over-choreographed ass from an upper bowl seat where you can’t even tell what the fuck is going on. From the upper deck in any sports arena, you have no idea what bathroom the cheerleader uses. #Trannystyle. Conversely, I will leave an upper decker in any sports arena.

Get some hips

With the inclusion of women in sports from young ages, sports have wholeheartedly embraced female fans. Look at any sports team’s website- they sell shit that no man would buy- team scented candles?? Sports purses? Eat balls. But they’re sold for a specific audience.

Plus, at every sporting event I’ve ever gone to, there are prettier girls in the crowd with way more enthusiasm for the home team than the ones getting paid to smile and dance around while they pretend that they give a shit. Here’s a truth- they don’t.

But there’s a lot more than a hardly visible side show that teams hope sell calendars.

Cheerleaders are paid like Wal-Mart cashiers.  And they have contractual demands that are fucked up, like to not eat. I get that women willfully enter these contracts because it gives them access to meet millionaires, which we all know meeting and getting filled with any rich male’s splooge is most girls dreams, but most teams prevent mingling because of the potential for lawsuits. I heard rumors that sometimes these cheerleaders even take pleasure wife contracts from wealthy foreigners, where they sell their ass into 365 loose shits a year instead of cheering for shitty NFL teams, but oddly those articles from major magazines were removed from the internet. I wonder why?

Let’s be practical. Why not have professional strippers shake their implanted tits and implanted asses for a slack jawed crowd that will crank one out after the game? Is there any difference in intent?

Then there are the geographical differences in cheerleader quality. Who wants to see girls freeze their tits off in Buffalo? Plus, a Buffalo 10 is a Los Angeles 4. Too much Beef on Weck hurts the thighs and gunt.

The Buffalo Diet

Also, cheerleading by itself is not a sport. It’s choreographed dance and gymnastics. It’s an activity, no doubt, and as athletic as exercise. But if it’s a sport, let me ask you this- how do you play defense against a cheer? Exactly. Fuck your public aerobics.

And I don’t need some oddly dressed employee to tell me how to root for my team. Do you know how I root for my team? By researching their opponents to see if anyone has a drug problem or a domestic violence case or was molested by a coach or fucked his wife’s sister or lied to a fanbase about not being a cuckold for his ugly wife (all of these are things athletes have actually done) and then I spend all game loudly reminding them at how garbage they are as a human being. Got a cheer for that, sugar? “Rah rah rah, you got AIDS!” That’s a cheer I would love.

What should team owners think about cheerleaders? One word- LAWSUIT. If I were a team owner, I would not want the headaches of lawsuits based on men doing stupid shit based on temptation, or rejection, or inconsideration, or hormones. Shit like a Hall of Fame quarterback sending a picture of his dick to a team public relations agent. If he was smart he would have sent a picture of his portfolio and said “Ever seen one this big?” Would have worked a lot better, guaranteed.

Not so super

Also, as an owner? I would not want the headaches of lawsuits based on women imagining stupid shit based on jealousy or temptation or rejection or hormones. HE’S SO SEXIST! HE’S NOT WOKE! Fuck off. Until there’s a DNA test that proves that women are incapable of lying to punish men-  especially when self interest is involved?-  bag it. As it is, the entire me too movement is questionable. They didn’t call out an actress that molested a young boy because she was a founding mother. And never forget, this is a gender that will sell out their own sons- and daughters-  to punish the father who dumps them for their psychoses making the husbands life unbearable. Never expect stability from that kind of attention seeker. There’s even a phrase for an entire gender that works really well- Trap Ass Ho.  

Lastly, as an owner, don’t sell your cheerleaders asses.

Getting rid of cheerleaders really isn’t much of an issue. Does baseball have cheerleaders? Or hockey? No. And basketball? Sort of. Basketball has dancers, and they’re also useless.  So it’s not like there would be vast joblessness.

We’re really aiming at one stupid sport. And a sport that’s so turtlesque that it needs every distraction it can get. So bring in the highlight videos! Let’s see those same old highlights over and over again! See ya, football cheerleaders!

Let me let you in on another reason to get rid of cheerleaders. It’s their deep, dark secret. Some people are afraid to say this, but I will call a spade a spade. Cheerleading teams are sexists. How many male cheerleaders do you see in pro sports? How many women lobby for men to be included on pro teams? Zero. Why? Because they’re fucking sexists. Women watch sports. Do you think they don’t want to see a pair of big hairy dangling delicious balls drop out of the goofy shorts of some Tony Robbins looking motherfucker? Nonsense. This is a choice that female cheerleaders make. Cheerleaders are sexist, and cheerleading is a sexist profession.

Could be a president, couldn’t get a job as a cheerleader.

It’s a new day. We have access to porn on our phones supported by the arena WiFi to find crank bait. It’s time to retire the cheerleader. Maybe it can be done with dignity- put a silhouette of a mini shirt up with the retired numbers in an arena. Bring back the old saggy tittied grannies who cheered for Knute Rockne for one last huzzah. Throw bologna at effigies of cheerleaders tits and asses in a parking lot. Whatever we need to end this horseshit that is as outdated as dial up internet and records running at 78 rpm.

It’s time to retire cheerleaders. Because cheerleaders are fucking useless.

MLB Notes of Interest & First Week Awards – July 31st

MLB Notes of Interest & First Week Awards – July 31st

When the sports world closed down the week of March 10th, sports fans everywhere figured the shutdown would be short. Almost four excruciating months later and rewards for patience, hope, and concern to protect each other continue to make a difference.

The last day in July usually represents the MLB trading deadline, but this season it represents survival. Uncertainty surrounds the remainder of the season if additional players and staff around MLB test positive. The Marlins and Phillies both await the verdict of their seasons. Miami’s organization saw 19 members (17 players & two staff) test positive, while the latest round of testing done Thursday showed positive results for two Phillies staff members. On Wednesday, MLB announced Miami season paused through Sunday. MLB also quarantined the Phillies (Miami played at Philadelphia when the positive test came back) through the weekend. Both teams hope to resume Tuesday as they face each other in Miami.

Despite the uncertainty of facing MLB, here are my awards through the first week (I will add more as the day continues).

Individual Players

Best pitcher: Shane Bieber – Indians
While the Indians staff mows down their competition (MLB record four different pitchers recording starts with 10+ strikeouts in the first seven team games), Bieber stands tallest. Bieber tied Karl Spooner’s (1954 Dodgers) MLB record with 27 strikeouts in the first two starts of a season. Bieber’s retired 41 of the 50 batters faced this season.

Most Strikeouts, MLB History
First Two Starts of Season
2020Shane Bieber, CLE27
1954Karl Spooner, BRK27
2002Curt Schilling, ARI26
2016Vince Velasquez, PHI25
1978Nolan Ryan, CAL25

Best Hitter/Player: Mike Yastrzemski – Giants
The grandson of former Red Sox legend Carl Yastrzemski reached base in 17 of his 32 plate appearances, collected 11 hits, scored eight runs, and hit a walk-off HR against the team tied for most the wins (Padres). Yaz ranks first in the NL in OBP (.531), OPS (1.339), BA (.423), while leading the majors in runs scored (8), runs created (12), and WAR (0.7).

Honorable mention:
Jose Ramirez (CLE)
Christian Vázquez (BOS)

JaCoby Jones start is the most surprising in MLB so far this season.

Most Impressive: JaCoby Jones – Tigers
The fifth-year OF entered the season with a career BA of .211 and .645 OPS. Through seven games, Jones leads the majors in OPS (1.367), while tied for third with 3 HR.

Honorable mention:
J.P. Crawford (SEA)
Dansby Swanson (ATL)


Best Pitching Staff: Cleveland Indians This wasn’t a tough choice. The Indians team WHIP through seven games stands at 0.78, setting an MLB record for fewest baserunners in the first seven games of a season. Cleveland’s 86 staff strikeouts also set an MLB record (2019 Blue Jays rank second with 80).

Lowest Team WHIP
First Seven Games, MLB history
2020Cleveland Indians0.785-2
2019Tampa Bay Rays0.855-2
1976Texas Rangers0.864-3
1914Washington Senators0.934-3
2019Toronto Blue Jays0.953-4
>>86 team strikeouts (also MLB record)

The Cubs offense is the best in the majors thru seven games.

Best Hitting Team: Chicago Cubs
Chicago’s north side team leads the majors in Runs PG (6.3), Slugging (.473), OPS (.813), and XBH (24-T).

Most Impressive Team: San Diego Padres
The Padres 5-2 start includes an exciting offense (averaging 6.2 Runs PG), which leads the majors in stolen bases (11). Their pitching staff ranks third in NL in ERA (3.43).

MLB Notes of Interest – July 29th

MLB Notes of Interest – July 29th

On Tuesday, MLB released a statement delaying the Miami Marlins schedule through Sunday due to multiple players and team staff contracting COVID-19. The league postponed the Yankees-Phillies four-game series while sending the Bronx Bombers to Baltimore for a two-game series starting on Wednesday (Orioles had a four-game series M-Th against Miami). MLB said more schedule changes are coming.

According to NBC New York, Governor Andrew Cuomo offered the state as an option for relocating all MLB games, much like the NBA is playing in a “bubble” in Orlando. (Thanks, Andrew).

Something in the Water? – Through five team games, the Cubs and White Sox both have 10 HR & 10 2B (Tied for MLB lead in both categories).

HR and Singles Only – Minnesota continued their offensive firepower on Tuesday, defeating St. Louis 6-3. Despite leading MLB with 33 runs (8.3 RPG) and tied for second with 9 HR, 24 of Minnesota’s remaining 28 hits are singles.

Cleveland pitching dominates – The Indians lead MLB with a team WHIP of 0.89 (34 hits/7 BB) in winning four of their first five games. Cleveland’s pitching frugality ties for the fourth lowest since 1901.

Lowest team WHIP
1st 5 Games of Season
1909St, Louis Browns0.83
2012St. Louis Cardinals0.86
1914Washington Senators0.86
2020Cleveland Indians0.89
1976Texas Rangers0.89
>>Since 1901

31 percent of hits in Tigers games this season have left the ballpark.

Detroit Gophers – The team from Motor City is 3-2 through five games despite being outscored by ten runs (30-20). Detroit’s 10 HR tie for the MLB lead, but their 12 HR allowed equals the 2006 Rays and 1978 Blue Jays for most in MLB history.

Unhappy Hunting (er) – 2019 All-Star (third in his career) Hunter Pence has not enjoyed his return to the Bay Area. The 37-year signed with Texas in 2019 after spending the previous six-and-a-half seasons with the Giants. Pence is hitless in his first 14 PA (0-13), currently the most in MLB without a hit.

West Distress – The three teams averaging the fewest RPG, play out West. In the American League, the Rangers six runs (1.5 RPG) and 19 hits (5th fewest in MLB history through 4 games) rank last in MLB. While the Giants and Diamondbacks (33, 2.6 RPG) occupy last in the NL and second-fewest in MLB.

Ross Detwiler has MLB scratching their heads through his first three appearances, retiring all 15 batters he’s faced.

Carrying the load – The White Sox 1.47 team WHIP currently ranks 5th worst in the majors, but you can’t blame Ross Detwiler. In his 12th season, the 34-year old veteran has a metamorphosis. Last season, Detwiler allowed 36 percent of batters faced to reach base. This season, he’s retired all 15 hitters to face him.

Ross Detwiler, 2020 Pitching Stats
Compared to rest of White Sox Staff
Detwiler>>White Sox
Batters Faced15192
Runners to reach base063
Opp. BA00.302
Pct of Batters Reaching Base032.8
>>allowed 36 percent of batters to reach base last season
The American League’s Jackie Robinson

The American League’s Jackie Robinson

We all know the name Jackie Robinson, but do you know who arrived in the big leagues shortly after him? He would be Larry Doby, Major League Baseball’s second African American player.

Like Robinson, Doby’s contract was bought from the Negro Leagues’ Newark Eagles. Doby played under the alias “Larry Walker” in the Negro Leagues because he was still in high school when he debuted. Cleveland Indians’ owner Bill Veeck wanted to integrate baseball in 1942 but was denied by Commissioner Kenesaw Mountain Landis. It wasn’t until Happy Chandler took over that Robinson and Doby were signed.

The Indians bought Doby from the Eagles for $15,000, making him the first African American player in the American League. Veeck saw Doby as someone who could control his emotions on the field while being a feared bat in Cleveland’s lineup.

Veeck’s strategy after signing Doby was quite interesting. Instead of bringing Doby up through Cleveland’s minor league system, Veeck let Doby keep playing in Newark until the time was right. The end goal was for Doby to one day show up on the field with his Indians teammates with little warning.

Doby made his debut for the Indians on July 5, 1947 against the White Sox in Chicago, less than three months after Robinson debuted. Not in the starting lineup, Doby debuted as a pinch hitter and struck out. It was what happened before the game that was more notable.

Many of Doby’s teammates did not give him a warm welcome. “I walked down that line, stuck out my hand, and very few hands came back in return. Most of the ones that did were cold-fish handshakes, along with a look that said, ‘You don’t belong here,” Doby recalled.

It was not until second baseman Joe Gordon offered to play catch with Doby during warmups that Doby was finally treated like a member of the team. Wouldn’t you know it, Gordon and Doby ended up becoming very close friends.

Doby was primarily a second baseman and shortstop, positions occupied by Gordon and player-manager Lou Boudreau. As a result, Doby wound up at first base for his first career start on July 6 without a first baseman’s mitt. Multiple teammates denied Doby’s request to borrow a glove, including regular first baseman Eddie Robinson. Robinson only gave Doby his glove after being convinced by Indians personnel.

As for the game, 31,566 were in attendance at Comiskey Park with roughly 30% of the crowd black. For perspective, Comiskey Park averaged 11,315 fans per game in 1947. He was booed and mistreated, but Doby went 1-4 with an RBI as the Indians took down the White Sox 5-1.

With Gordon and Boudreau patrolling the middle infield, it was Doby’s only start of the season. Doby would get no more than two plate appearances in any game the rest of the season while occasionally coming in midgame to replace Gordon or Boudreau.

Aside from baseball, Doby was often booed and faced many challenges like Jackie Robinson. “You didn’t hear much about what I was going through because the media didn’t want to repeat the same story.” Doby said. Except it was not the same story entirely. Playing in the American League, Doby integrated all the American League parks Robinson did not play in. Robinson only played at an American League field during the World Series.

Along with racial slurs and death threats, Doby was also treated harshly on the field. The worst incident Doby recalled was while sliding into second base, the opposing shortstop spat tobacco juice on him. Despite the grief, Doby handled himself with class and dignity.

“I couldn’t react to prejudicial situations from a physical standpoint. My reaction was to hit the ball as far as I could.” Doby did exactly that in 1948, hitting .301 with 14 homers and 66 RBI as he became Cleveland’s starting center fielder. The Indians finished as the top team in baseball with a 97-58 record en route to a World Series matchup with the Boston Braves.

It was Doby who once again hit the ball as far as he could. In Game 4 with the Indians leading the series 2-1, Doby became the first African American player to homer in a World Series game. His 420-foot blast off Braves’ Johnny Sain turned out to be the game winner in Cleveland’s 2-1 victory to grab a 3-1 series lead.

The Indians would go on to capture the title in six games, as Doby also became the first African American player to win a World Series.

Doby only progressed in 1949 by starting a run of seven straight All-Star appearances. In 1949, Doby was part of the quartet that became baseball’s first African American All-Stars. The quartet included Jackie Robinson, Don Newcombe, and Roy Campanella.

During the prime of his career from 1949-1955, Doby averaged 27 home runs and 95 RBI with a .286 average. His best offensive years during that stretch were ‘52 and ‘54, where he led the majors in home runs with 32 each year. Doby also led the league in RBI in ‘54 with 126. Doby never won a Gold Glove but was named baseball’s top center fielder in 1950 by Sporting News over players like Joe DiMaggio and Duke Snider.

After his playing days, Doby looked to get into coaching. Once again, Doby was the second man. With the Indians in search of a new manager, Doby was looking to become the first African American manager in the history of the Major Leagues. This time, it was Frank Robinson. The Indians hired Robinson in 1975 while Doby was hired by the White Sox in 1978.

Doby does not have a day where everyone in baseball wears his number 14, or have his number retired across the league, but Doby had the utmost respect for Jackie Robinson. Even though Jackie gets all the credit, Doby never took a jab at him.

He is the forgotten pioneer of baseball. Doby is not given nearly enough credit for doing the same courageous act Robinson did. Doby really was the Robin to Jackie’s Batman in fighting racial inequality in baseball.

MLB Notes of Interest – July 28th

MLB Notes of Interest – July 28th

MLB is postponing Tuesday’s Yankees-Phillies game in Philadelphia and Orioles-Marlins in Florida due to additional Marlins players testing positive. Ken Rosenthal reported four Marlins players tested positive for COVID-19 on Tuesday morning, bringing the total number of affected players to 15. No Phillies players tested positive over the last two days.

In Minnesota, the Twins host the Cardinals in the first of their two-game series. Nelson Cruz drove in seven runs in the Twins 14-2 win over the White Sox on Sunday, tying an MLB record for most RBI in the first three games of the season.

Most RBI, Single-Game
First three games of MLB season
2020Nelson Cruz at White SoxTwins7
2003Corey Patterson at MetsCubs7
1997Tino Martinez at MarinersYankees7
1974Reggie Jackson at RangersAthletics7
1971Brant Alvea at White SoxTwins7
1935Dolph Camilli vs GiantsPhillies7

After setting an MLB record for most strikeouts in an Opening Day shutout with 15 on Friday against the Mets, Atlanta helped Tampa Bay set a team record by striking out 19 times on Monday.

Atlanta designated Monday’s starter Mike Foltynewicz for assignment after surrendering six earned runs in 3.1 innings in the Braves 14-5 loss to Tampa. The 28-year old went 13-6 with a 2.85 ERA along with starting Game 1 of the 2018 NLDS against the Dodgers. In 2019 Foltynewicz suffered multiple injuries, limiting him to 21 starts. Against Tampa on Monday, his fastball averaged 89.3 mph and topped out at 92.9 mph. That same pitch averaged 95 mph last season and 96.5 mph during his 2018 All-Star season.

Tyler Stephenson homered in his first career plate appearance.

In the Cubs 8-7 victory over Cincinnati on Monday, the Reds Tyler Stephenson homered in his first career plate appearance. Stephenson was the first Reds player since Ted Tappe on September 14, 1950, and third in team history to accomplish that feat.

Homered in First Plate Appearance
Cincinnati Reds Team History
7/27/2020Tyler StephensonCubs
9/14/1950Ted TappeDodgers
4/17/1935Hank EricksonPirates